YOU Must Discuss THIS in Per-Marital Counseling

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Nancia Leath, MA LPC and her family

My husband and I wanted to have five children when we first got married. We did not take the time to research the cost of having children like most zealous, new couples. Nor discussed how expensive children were during per-martial counseling or with other mature couples. Nevertheless we ended up with only three children and a four-legged dog. Most couples without children are not aware that raising children are very expensive. Now when I do per-marital or marriage counseling with couples I make sure this topic is discussed. Why? Because money issues are one of the main reasons for divorce according to current studies.

I always start off by asking the couples the amount of children they would like to have in the future. They both look at each other and smile; the women in most cases are always the first to provide the number. I have them talk about their childhood and what they disliked and liked. We discuss how they decided on the amount of children.  We also discuss in detail what will happen between them if they found out one of them could not have children for any physical reasons. I will end the session by giving them a homework assignment for their next session. The homework assignment will consist of reading the the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates (downloads as a pdf ) to learn the cost for classic middle-income family in America. It will cost most families $300,000, adjusted for inflation, to raise a child from birth to age 17, or more nearly $20,000 per child – that doesn’t include the cost of private education or the cost of college. Housing is the single most expensive cost attributable to raising a child, accounting for 30% of the total.

I will have the couples enter their information into the USDA calculator (you can try it here) at their next session to help them picture their cost if they decide to have many children. The men are always the first to say, “We may have to talk about this more.” The women usually show signs of being in shock or speechless, which is not the norm because they’re usually the most talkative during the sessions. By the end of pre-marital counseling most couples decrease their numbers of children and few of the couples my increase their numbers of children.

This is not done to encourage couples to have fewer or more children, but it is one of the most effective ways to help them discuss typical money issues before they get married. This also opens doors for both to discuss their emotions tied to money and how they manage money as individuals.  Some couples have even decided not to get married because of the conflicts that aroused during the “money” counseling sessions. Nevertheless, if you are taking pre-martial counseling please make sure your counselor spend a few sessions on money management from perspectives that matters. You usually see who the person “really” is during those counseling sessions. 

Written: Nancia Leath, MA LPC - Licensed Mental Health Therapist & Life Coach

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