What Are You Clinging To?

I remember when my oldest daughter was four years old, she would cling to my skirt or her father’s pants, especially when she was around people she did not know. This is how she coped when she felt nervous or fearful. I would clasp one of her hands in order to give her comfort and security. Most adults cling onto things or people in order to gain comfort or to help them cope. This is natural and usually needed at times, but it can become problematic when a person clings to things or people that cause them harm and don’t know how to let go.

I was trained from a child by my parents to be independent. I was encouraged not to depend on a person, substances, actions, or things to bring me comfort or happiness. People and things were in my life for enhancement and not to control me. This thought process helped me not become pressured to do things to please others, face conflict, examine myself in order to change things I did not like, digest negative emotions, and help me understand God's role in my life. I was also able to live in the moment, recorded my positive experiences in my mind, pushed rewind during tough times, and thanked God for allowing me to experience both positive and negative events in order to understand the differences. I felt empowered and ready to move forward during those moments. However, as I became an adult and experienced more stress, I found myself clinging to work and shopping. Those two items gave me purpose and influenced my actions. My high ambition to help others was my justification for working hard and long hours and liking nice things was my reason for spending money on things I did not need.

I did not realize I used work and shopping to cope or help me ignore relationship conflicts, overlook things I did not like about myself, or emotions that did not feel good until I became pregnant with my 1st child and tried to be an at home mom. My baby was a delight, but not having extra money to shop was overwhelming so I could not enjoy my child. Plus we had another family staying with us in order to help them out and it was very stressful. I wanted to work in order to escape the drama and not fix it. I jumped back into the workforce the moment a door opened and the church took the rest of my time. My “real” life was passing me by or my children would not see me at their school events. I did not make time to celebrate my friends' birthdays. I did not have time to speak to the homeless or understand the need of others around me until a serious, negative life event woke me up out my coping fantasy.

Today it’s different, I took steps to relearn how to live in the moment, have authentic relationships, examine, accept. love myself, work in moderation, record positive experiences, push rewind to help me remember and face my reality as I thank God for my experiences. I only go shopping when there is a need. I'm not perfect, but I do what's needed to no longer ignore the important people in my life, face conflict with love, talk about how I feel, take ownership of my feelings, and not use work and shopping to help me cope - they are only a small part of my life. I’ve worked with clients who were similar to me, but were clinging to crack, alcohol, sex, shopping, eating, pity, anger, fear/anxiety, ambition, video games, drama, relationships, religious organization, etc. and had a hard time letting go. I could not judge them, because I could relate and understood how they cling to things to help them cope. I was also aware how these things were preventing them from having authentic relationships. Their life was passing them by and they believed lies “This helps me feel better” “I can’t live without___” “This is not a problem for me” or “I’m stuck and I will never change.” Many were fortunate to wake up and do what’s needed to make changes, some are still trying to wake up, but a few die clinging to things that controlled them.

You can have many goals in 2014, willing to do what it takes to accomplish each one, but don’t cling to things that will cause you not to live, love, receive, give, feel, or loose your soul. Please seek help if you are having a problem letting go, because you don’t have to do it alone.


Written by Nancia Leath, MA LPC NCC – Professional Licensed Mental Health Therapist, National Certified Counselor, and owner of Inward Core Healthcare Services -

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