How Do You KEEP the Spark In YOUR Relationship?

The main question presented when a couple comes to therapy is "How is it possible for us to maintain excitement towards each other after being married for a long time?" My response is the same for couples who just got married and couples who have been married for over 25 years. You are responsible for maintaining excitement or that "spark." Yes, I repeat, at the end of the day, YOU are responsible for maintaining your attraction to your partner. It may be difficult for you to wrap your thoughts around this concept when you don't understand you are the one who controls your emotions and feelings. You have been given the ability to decide if you will like or dislike anything in your life. What you decide to love or hate basically has to do with you or your ability to have self-control.

Many of you don't believe or never knew you controlled your dislikes or likes which is why you don't do what it takes to control what comes in and out of your thoughts. Although there is no universally agreed definition for what your mind is, most will say your mind holds the power of imagination, recognition, and appreciation, and is responsible for processing feelings and emotions, resulting in attitudes and actions according to Wikipedia. If anyone or action can get you to think negatively about your partner over and over again, you will find yourself disconnecting and no longer want to be around that person. However, if the reverse is applied you will be devoted to that person or "in love."

All who are born with an impaired brain or issues with cognitive reasoning and narrative comprehension can be easily controlled and told what to like or dislike. All who believe they don't have the ability to control their appetite or wants, can also respond like a person who brain is impaired. I will never forget the story of a person who had to go through a special military training. Although in the beginning he was aware it was just a training and none of it was real, but by the 3rd day of the training he honestly thought he was a  hostage. Everything in his body responded as though he was really in danger. Why? Because he started to BELIEVE what was happening to him was real. He could not control his emotions of fear and anxiety when he heard a loud noise that sounded like a bomb. His hands would shake and his heart would beat faster, he thought he was going to have a heart attack or be killed by the actors. He realized and learned from that situation he lost control of his emotions due to believing what he was going through was real. If he would have override his thoughts and did things to help him believe what he was encountering was false he would have responded differently. 

It is imperative to only present behaviors to show your partner you love him/her and do want it takes to focus on why you love your spouse in order for you to maintain love for you mate.  The moment you start to believe you don't love your spouse or your spouse don't love you, you will not do things to purposely maintain your spark. So please know it is false that you can't help who you fall in or out of love with, but it is true you can maintain a spark with the person you decide to love for decades.

So if your spark is fading, stop what you are doing and recreate the spark. Acknowledge all the things that cause you pain, then focus on what you need in order to forgive. Purposely verbalized to the person what you like and desire for him/her. Hold, touch, look at each other or make some form of contact when you walk by each other in order to show you recognize each other presence. Never allow yourself to believe there is to much contact, but focus on wanting more. You are responsible for creating your intimate and emotional connections, so invest in the person you made a promise to and who also made a promise to you.

Written By Dr. Leath