He BLAMED the Parent!

I will never forget when the mother of 14yo indicated that she never wanted to speak with another male psychologist again concerning her son's psychological testing results. She felt that he blamed her for not making sure her son received the tools he needed to cope in life. She honestly thought because he was a male he didn't have any empathy towards her. She believed he did not understand what it was like to be a single parent or understood how painful it was to have the child's father walk away from his responsibilities to her and their child. She wanted to blame the father for how her child was coping. She wanted me to know she was angry and he did not have the authority to blame her for how her child decided to respond to life at his age. I listened and watched tears rolled down her face as she used her hands to forcefully wipe each one away. It was hard for her to understand what Dr. Psychologist was saying because she was angry, feeling helpless, and didn't know how to help her son make changes to better himself emotionally.

She had no idea that Mr. Psychologist was also raised by a single parent because his mother left his family when he was only seven years old. She could not understand that he was not condemning her, but was providing her with truth, even though it did not feel good. Instead of me informing her about his history or what he was saying to a degree was correct, I took a more gentle approach.  I asked her how did her parents teach her how to cope from negative situations or trauma? She informed me that her parents never taught her how to cope; they just told her to pray about it and release it to God. She had to figure it out on her own. She realized by the end of the session that she used food, demeaning others (joking), and alcohol to help her cope with life negative situations. Then I asked her, how would her life been better or different if her parents provided her with positive ways to cope at an early age? She didn't answer that question, but bend-down and started moaning. I felt her pain as she cried for about five minutes, but it felt like hours. I purposely didn't offer her tissue or asked if she was ok, but let her be and do what she needed in that moment. I didn't want to do anything to make her believe she was doing something wrong by crying or she needed to stop crying.

What I felt from her after she stopped crying was completely different. Her anger and feelings of condemnation appeared to fade away. She looked up towards me and said, "I get what Mr. Psychologist was saying about it being part of my fault, my son didn't learn the best ways to cope in his life environment from me, but my unhealthy ways. I didn't teach him with words, but in how I lived." She was able to realize the truth with just a few questions. However, I changed my approach so she would no longer feel like the victim, but give her back her power and accountability. So I asked her what was she going to do about it as a parent to make sure her child learn positive ways to cope? She offensively replied, "I will ask his school if they would teach him, because I honestly don't know how to teach him when I have terrible coping skills myself! I teach him to share and be nice to others, but he needs to learn how to handle his anger, he is not mental ill or crazy! But the school system think he is and don't know how to handle him!"  I explained to her that schools don't teach coping skills, the school system expect youth to learn healthy coping skills outside of the classroom. This is why teachers send notes home when children are defiant, have anxiety attacks, anger outburst, boundaries issues, or behaviors not acceptable according to classroom rules. This is one of the main reasons why alternative public schools are in place; these schools are setup like jails, most don't have windows. More than 50% of those students end up spending time in jail, killed, harming others/self, or in and out of substance abuse treatment centers when they become older. She decided on that day she was responsible and willing to do what was needed for both of them to change how they coped in their environments.

You can only imagine how she and her son ended up making amazing changes in their lives as they learned better ways to cope and handle their past trauma. I told you this story to remind or inform parents that they are responsible for making sure their child learn how to cope. Yes, some may need more or mental health therapy/support groups, but today I'm just encouraging your to start them with emotional coping trainings. Even if you don't see any emotional concerns today. Teach them so if they have any type of negative experiences, rejections, any form of trauma when they become older they will be aware of ways to cope.  To many parents ignore providing these types of training to their youth, but experience and able to see the negative consequences of the lack of knowing how to cope when they become older or adults. Today I'm encouraging parents to start early. I recommend starting at the age 10 and signing them up for emotional trainings today!

Referral: Here is a virtual classroom trainings you can sign your youth up today. All they will need is a computer and internet. Ages 10-17 during after school hours. You don't have to take them to the trainings, but make sure they attend and you (parent) sign consent documentation. Sign them up for their first Emotional Coping Trainings today HERE!


http://www.teenhop.com/youth-virtual-emotional-support-groups