How to Develop, Restore, and Maintain Intimacy

 “What would you do if something happened to your husband and he could no longer have sex?”

“I no longer see her as attractive because she lost so much weight. I’m not sure I can remain married. I did not ask for this.”

“On the days when she is traveling for work, it is hard for me. I need more…”

“I need more than sex… something is missing. I thought we loved each other in the beginning.”

Most couples don’t start off thinking about how something tragic like a car accident or gunshot wound could prevent intercourse. Nor do they think about what their young spouse would look like as they age. Many people find that, after having sex a few times, their physical attraction begins to fade. Couples will often blame it on their partner or believe that they are no longer “in love” with each other.

Last week, we discussed why your love for your spouse may not really be gone, but could actually be buried under destructive emotions such as pain, bitterness, anger, or disappointment. Couples very often decide to remain in their marriage once they have identified what led them to bury their love and begin to remove those obstacles to a satisfying and fulfilling relationship together.

Related: The Intimacy Is Gone

What are some ways to develop, restore, and maintain intimacy in your marriage?

1. Individual therapy can address any conflicts or mindsets that will prevent you from having intimate relationships.

2. Purposeful action steps can help change negative thoughts towards each other when you are apart. For example:
a. Write down at least five things that you find attractive about your spouse, then meditate on your list until you begin to feel positive emotions for them again.
b. Let your phone help keep you focused. Every two hours, have it remind you of one or two items from your list. If negative thoughts try to emerge, acknowledge them by saying to yourself “right now I choose to focus on his/her good and have decided to forgive her/him for this.”
c. Picture yourself being with your spouse/partner during your lunch break or during your chores. If you are having lunch with a group of people, talk about how you can’t wait to spend time with your spouse.
d. Call or text to say how you look forward to seeing and spending time with him/her, or to let the person know how wonderful they are and how thankful you are for him/her in your life. Do this at least twice a day so the other person will know that they are in your thoughts.

3. When you are together, really be together.
e. Hug each other for about ten minutes and whisper in each other’s ears how much you love holding them or how good they smell.
f. Sit close, hold hands or put your arms around each other as you talk about anything that comes naturally. Play with the kids or cook dinner together. Look for chances to touch, smile at, and admire each other.

What you allow yourself to think about your spouse is essential to building intimacy. Simply stated, in order to develop or maintain a close emotional and physical connection: you will need to make sure your thoughts are positive and healthy, focus or meditate on your spouse’s attractive qualities at least two to three times a day, use open and inviting body language, and be consistent in using words to express your feelings and desires.

Next week we will discuss how to break emotional connections from past relationships. I look forward in talking with you next week!!


Written by Nancia Leath, MA LPC NCC – Professional Licensed Mental Health Therapist, National Certified Counselor, owner of Inward Core Healthcare Services -(www.facebook.com/inwardcore), Author of Emancipate in Your Chair, Blog- Inward Core, The FIX (thefix.inwardcorehealthcare.com), Senior Executive Director Teens Help Other People – TeenHOP (www.teenhop.com), and so much more.
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