The Intimacy Is Gone

“The love or intimacy is gone and I just don’t feel anything.”

“We don’t talk anymore or when we do talk it does not feel the same way.”

“Yes we have sex, but there is no intimacy, but my husband thinks sex is intimacy.”

As a therapist I receive statements like this all the time from people who desire to save their marriages, but don’t believe it’s possible because the “feelings” they had for their spouse are gone. Overtime during therapy most of the couples tend to realize their love for the person is not gone, but bury under pain, criticism, bitterness, abandonment, hurt, jealousy, and etc. Together during our session we will identify what is burying the love or preventing intimacy.

This process can be very painful for the person who tried to ignore thoughts and behaviors of the other person for years, but different therapeutic approaches done by the therapists can help the person with negative emotions that may arise. After both parties identify what has been burying their love, they have to decide if he/she can forgive the person. If both parties are willing to forgive each other THEN both decide if it’s worth continuing the relationship. During this process the couple will need to identify what he/she are really agreeing to - for an example the couple realize one person in the marriage desire to use emotional abuse or manipulation to maintain control or sleep with other people. If both agree it’s ok for one person to use emotional abuse, manipulation, or sleep with other people then they are ready for the different interventions to help pull their intimacy back to the surface. However, if one person desire changes and the other person is not willing to do what it is needed to change, trying to bring back the intimacy is a waste of the therapist and couple’s time. In most cases both parties are willing to take steps to change their thought process and behaviors by gaining intensive individual therapy.

The key as a therapist is not to show any judgment towards the couples’ decisions but provide possible consequences based on their decisions. Couples need to understand from the beginning of the sessions, the therapist’s job is not to “fix” their marriage, but used as a professional guide/tool to help them fix their own marriage.

Next week we will discuss ways how to develop and maintain intimacy. It will not be centered on buying flowers/expensive gifts, not wearing clothes or wearing sexy clothing, heated sex, and expensive wine. We will focus on sound creative ways to help you reset your intimacy. It’s going to feel awkward in the beginning because it’s going to be more of a heart transformation instead of physically transformation.

Connect with you soon! Nancia Leath, MA LPC NCC

Written by Nancia Leath, MA LPC NCC – Professional Licensed Mental Health Therapist, National Certified Counselor, and owner of Inward Core Healthcare Services -
Twitter -Nancialpc or Instagram #nancialpc

Website: www.inwardcorehealthcare.com

Facebook: Inward Core Healthcare Services